The Power of Showing Up

by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Book Review #6

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The power of showing up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired [eBook edition]. Scribe Publications.

Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. is a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, a neuropsychiarist, and author. As cofounder of the Mindful Awareness Research Center, and executive director of the Mindsight Institute, he studies (and teaches on) the impact of relationships in the development of the brain—interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB). Dr. Siegel has authored numerous influential books that bridge neuroscience and everyday parenting, including The Whole-Brain Child, Mindsight, and The Developing Mind. His research focuses on how secure attachment and emotional attunement shape brain development and lifelong well-being.

Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical social worker and an internationally recognized author, speaker, educator, and child development specialist. She is the founder and executive director of The Center for Connection and Play Strong Institute. Dr. Bryson’s work centers on the practical application of attachment science, especially in parenting and therapeutic contexts. She has co-authored several bestselling books with Dr. Siegel, including No-Drama Discipline and The Power of Showing Up, helping parents and professionals to apply practical insights from IPNB to help nurture resilience and connection in children.

Purpose and Audience:

The Power of Showing Up was written to equip parents, caregivers, and those working with children to understand the profound impact of consistent emotional presence on a child’s development. Drawing from decades of research in attachment theory and neuroscience, the authors aim to demystify what it means to be a “good parent” by focusing on what matters most: helping children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Rather than offering complex or perfectionistic parenting formulas, the book emphasizes simple, powerful ways to show up—physically and emotionally—in everyday moments that shape a child’s brain and relationships for life.

The book is intended for a broad audience, including new and seasoned parents, foster or adoptive families, educators, counselors, and ministry leaders. It speaks to anyone who plays a formative role in a child’s life and desires to build lasting connection, resilience, and trust. Its accessible language, real-life examples, and practical strategies make it especially valuable for readers who may feel overwhelmed by modern parenting pressures but want to make a meaningful difference in their children’s emotional and relational health.

Identification of key themes or ideas:

Parental Presence: The book is founded upon the concept of parental presence—the consistent, attuned involvement of a caregiver in a child’s emotional and relational world. This presence isn’t about being perfect or always knowing what to do; rather, it’s about reliably showing up in ways that help children feel safe, seen, and soothed. Parental presence builds the foundation for secure attachment, emotional regulation, and long-term resilience. Even small, everyday moments of connection can have a lasting impact when a child knows their parent is truly there for them (Chapter 1).
Attachment and Brain Development: The authors explore how relational experiences shape the brain’s architecture. Secure attachment literally wires the brain for connection, regulation, and self-understanding. Neuroscience is used to show how showing up can influence emotional health, impulse control, and even future relationships (Chapter 2).
The Four S’s of Secure Attachment: The book revolves around helping children feel Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. These four experiences are foundational to forming strong parent-child bonds and fostering emotional resilience. Children who consistently experience the Four S’s are more likely to develop secure attachment styles, which in turn support healthy emotional and relational functioning throughout life. The book offers insights and practical strategies to help with each aspect (Chapters 3-6).
Generational Change Through Mindfulness: A powerful takeaway is that parents who didn’t receive secure attachment themselves can still offer it to their children. By understanding and making sense of their own childhood experiences, they can develop what the authors call “earned security,” breaking negative cycles and providing a healthier emotional foundation for the next generation (Chapter 7).
The Power of Repair: Misattunement is inevitable in any relationship, but what separates strong bonds from broken ones is the willingness to return and repair. The book teaches that re-engaging after a conflict or failure is one of the most powerful parenting practices possible (Chapter 8).

Points of interest and points of personal agreement and disagreement

Points of interest:

Parental Presence: The book is rooted in the concept of Parental Presence—the consistent, attuned involvement of a caregiver in a child’s emotional and relational world. This presence isn’t about being perfect or always knowing what to do; rather, it’s about reliably showing up in ways that help children feel safe, seen, and soothed. Parental presence builds the foundation for secure attachment, emotional regulation, and long-term resilience. Even small, everyday moments of connection can have a lasting impact when a child knows their parent is truly there for them (Chapter 1).
Attachment and Brain Development: The authors explore how relational experiences shape the brain’s architecture. Secure attachment literally wires the brain for connection, regulation, and self-understanding. Neuroscience is used to show how showing up can influence emotional health, impulse control, and even future relationships (Chapter 2).
The Four S’s of Secure Attachment: The book revolves around helping children feel Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. These four experiences are foundational to forming strong parent-child bonds and fostering emotional resilience. Children who consistently experience the Four S’s are more likely to develop secure attachment styles, which in turn support healthy emotional and relational functioning throughout life. The book offers insights and practical strategies to help with each aspect (Chapters 3-6).
Generational Change Through Mindfulness: A powerful takeaway is that parents who didn’t receive secure attachment themselves can still offer it to their children. By understanding and making sense of their own childhood experiences, they can develop what the authors call “earned security,” breaking negative cycles and providing a healthier emotional foundation for the next generation (Chapter 7).
The Power of Repair: Misattunement is inevitable in any relationship, but what separates strong bonds from broken ones is the willingness to return and repair. The book teaches that re-engaging after a conflict or failure is one of the most powerful parenting practices possible (Chapter 8).

Points I agreed with:

Self-awareness is a form of showing up for yourself. “One of the best gifts we can give our kids is a parent who is self-aware and reflective” (Chapter 7). This illustrates the need for parents to strive for personal growth if they want to be effective parents. It serves as a reminder of the internal work many caregivers must do before they can be emotionally available for others.
Your presence helps even if/when you don’t have the answers. “Showing up doesn’t mean fixing everything or having the right words. Sometimes it just means being there, staying with them in their distress” (Chapter 8). This is a great reminder that we don’t have to solve (or fix) every problem as a parent. Sometimes, our presence in a moment of pain is the most healing gift we can offer.
Parents can—and should—apologize. “When you say you’re sorry, you’re teaching your child that making a mistake doesn’t make you bad—and that taking responsibility is brave and healing” (Chapter 8).
Being emotionally reactive is not the same as being present. “When we’re flooded by our own emotions, we’re not truly showing up. Presence requires regulation” (Chapter 7).

Points of disagreement:

There weren’t really any points of disagreement. I can see how some might argue that the authors exercise an over-reliance on Attachment Theory for their framework—“Attachment is the single best predictor for how a child turns out” (Chapter 1). Some readers might feel this claim overlooks other key factors (including, temperament, socioeconomic status, peer influence, or trauma) that also significantly shape development.
Though not a point of disagreement per se, it’s worth noting that the book is not a comprehensive primer on Attachment Theory. While it introduces the concept and emphasizes the importance of secure attachment, it does not explore the various attachment styles in depth (e.g., anxious, avoidant, disorganized), which may be a limitation for those looking for more clinical or diagnostic framework.

Significance of the book to the counseling field:

I believe the Power of Showing Up is a great resource for counselors and clients alike. It offers counselors a practical, relational framework rooted in attachment theory that can be easily integrated into their work with families, parents, and individuals processing their own early relational wounds. The Four S’s model—Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure—provides clinicians with an accessible language to help clients understand core emotional needs and how early caregiving shaped their development. The book also supports psychoeducation in parenting sessions and offers valuable insights for work related to attachment repair, inner child work, and emotional regulation, making it a versatile tool in both individual and family counseling settings.

Critique of the overall work:

Siegel and Bryson’s book is a thoughtful and well-crafted resource that blends neuroscience, attachment research, and real-world parenting advice in a highly accessible format. Its strength lies in its ability to translate complex psychological concepts into relatable language through the Four S’s framework: Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. The use of hand-drawn, comic-style illustrations adds warmth and clarity but may cause some professionals to underestimate the depth of the content. While not a comprehensive treatment on attachment theory—particularly in terms of attachment styles—it remains a valuable tool for parents, educators, and clinicians committed to relational and emotional well-being.

Usefulness of the book for potential clients

The Power of Showing Up is a highly useful resource that I would recommend to many clients—particularly those navigating parenting challenges, attachment issues, or intergenerational patterns of emotional disconnection. It is especially helpful for parents who feel overwhelmed, guilty, or uncertain about how to connect meaningfully with their children. Additionally, clients exploring their own attachment histories or healing from childhood emotional neglect may benefit from the book’s accessible explanations of how early relational experiences shape development. It can also be a valuable psychoeducational tool in family therapy, parenting groups, or trauma-informed counseling settings.