Attachment and the Gospel

The Power of Showing UP

by Daniel Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

Purpose and Audience:

The Power of Showing Up was written to equip parents, caregivers, and those working with children to understand the profound impact of consistent emotional presence on a child’s development. Drawing from decades of research in attachment theory and neuroscience, the authors aim to demystify what it means to be a “good parent” by focusing on what matters most: helping children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Rather than offering complex or perfectionistic parenting formulas, the book emphasizes simple, powerful ways to show up—physically and emotionally—in everyday moments that shape a child’s brain and relationships for life.

The book is intended for a broad audience, including new and seasoned parents, foster or adoptive families, educators, counselors, and ministry leaders. It speaks to anyone who plays a formative role in a child’s life and desires to build lasting connection, resilience, and trust. Its accessible language, real-life examples, and practical strategies make it especially valuable for readers who may feel overwhelmed by modern parenting pressures but want to make a meaningful difference in their children’s emotional and relational health.

Identification of key themes or ideas:

• Parental Presence: The book is founded upon the concept of parental presence—the consistent, attuned involvement of a caregiver in a child’s emotional and relational world. This presence isn’t about being perfect or always knowing what to do; rather, it’s about reliably showing up in ways that help children feel safe, seen, and soothed. Parental presence builds the foundation for secure attachment, emotional regulation, and long-term resilience. Even small, everyday moments of connection can have a lasting impact when a child knows their parent is truly there for them (Chapter 1).
• Attachment and Brain Development: The authors explore how relational experiences shape the brain’s architecture. Secure attachment literally wires the brain for connection, regulation, and self-understanding. Neuroscience is used to show how showing up can influence emotional health, impulse control, and even future relationships (Chapter 2).
• The Four S’s of Secure Attachment: The book revolves around helping children feel Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. These four experiences are foundational to forming strong parent-child bonds and fostering emotional resilience. Children who consistently experience the Four S’s are more likely to develop secure attachment styles, which in turn support healthy emotional and relational functioning throughout life. The book offers insights and practical strategies to help with each aspect (Chapters 3-6).
• Generational Change Through Mindfulness: A powerful takeaway is that parents who didn’t receive secure attachment themselves can still offer it to their children. By understanding and making sense of their own childhood experiences, they can develop what the authors call “earned security,” breaking negative cycles and providing a healthier emotional foundation for the next generation (Chapter 7).
• The Power of Repair: Misattunement is inevitable in any relationship, but what separates strong bonds from broken ones is the willingness to return and repair. The book teaches that re-engaging after a conflict or failure is one of the most powerful parenting practices possible (Chapter 8).

Points of interest and points of personal agreement and disagreement

Points of interest

• Safety as the Foundation of Attachment: “Parents have two primary jobs when it comes to keeping their kids safe … The first is to protect them from harm. The second is to avoid becoming the source of fear and threat.” Emphasizes the dual aspects of safety within secure attachment (Chapter 3).
• Attachment is Not All or Nothing: “You don’t have to show up perfectly every single time to provide your kids with the kind of relational experiences that cultivate security. What you do over and over again is what matters most.” This reassures parents that consistency, not perfection, builds secure attachment (Chapter 1).
• The Four S’s Framework: I was first introduced to the Four S’s by Curt Thompson, and noticed that he cited Daniel Siegel for it (although Thompson’s order of the S’s is different). The core of the book is the Four S’s: helping children feel Safe (Chapter 3), Seen (Chapter 4), Soothed (Chapter 5), and ultimately Secure (Chapter 6). Each “S” reflects a specific need that, when consistently met, leads to secure attachment and emotional resilience.
• The Power of Small, Repeated Moments: The authors stress that showing up doesn’t require grand gestures. Simple routines like bedtime talks, shared meals, or empathetic listening after school are some of the most powerful ways to reinforce safety and security (Chapter 8).

Points I agreed with

• Self-awareness is a form of showing up for yourself. “One of the best gifts we can give our kids is a parent who is self-aware and reflective” (Chapter 7). This illustrates the need for parents to strive for personal growth if they want to be effective parents. It serves as a reminder of the internal work many caregivers must do before they can be emotionally available for others.
• Your presence helps even when you don’t have the answers. “Showing up doesn’t mean fixing everything or having the right words. Sometimes it just means being there, staying with them in their distress” (Chapter 8). This is a great reminder that we don’t have to solve (or fix) every problem as a parent. Sometimes, our presence in a moment of pain is the most healing gift we can offer.
• Parents can—and should—apologize. “When you say you’re sorry, you’re teaching your child that making a mistake doesn’t make you bad—and that taking responsibility is brave and healing” (Chapter 8).
• Being emotionally reactive is not the same as being present. “When we’re flooded by our own emotions, we’re not truly showing up. Presence requires regulation” (Chapter 7).

Points of disagreement

• There weren’t really any points of disagreement. I can see how some might argue that the authors exercise an over-reliance on Attachment Theory for their framework—“Attachment is the single best predictor for how a child turns out” (Chapter 1). Some readers might feel this claim overlooks other key factors (including, temperament, socioeconomic status, peer influence, or trauma) that also significantly shape development.

Significance of the book to the counseling field:

I believe Siegel and Bryson’s book has a significant impact on the counseling field by emphasizing the foundational role of secure attachment in emotional and relational development, especially in parent-child relationships. Its easy-to-understand synthesis of attachment science and interpersonal neurobiology equips counselors with a clear framework—the Four S’s (Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure)—to assess and support clients’ relational histories. The book also underscores the importance of caregiver self-awareness and repair, offering practical insights for both parent coaching and inner child work. It serves as a valuable tool for therapists working with families, children, and adults navigating attachment-related wounds.

Critique of the overall work:

The book is both a compassionate and well-researched resource that translates complex attachment science into practical, actionable guidance for parents and caregivers. Its greatest strength lies in its accessibility—the clear language, relatable examples, and warm tone make the material easy to grasp and apply. The framework of Four S’s provides an easy frame of reference for parents and caregivers, which reassures parents that presence—not perfection—is what matters most. While the content is a great resource for families, the comic-style illustrations and approachable format may lead some professionals to underestimate its clinical value. Nonetheless, the book offers rich insight for both lay readers and practitioners committed to relational health.

Usefulness of the book for potential clients

The Power of Showing Up is a highly useful resource that I would recommend to many clients—particularly those navigating parenting challenges, attachment issues, or intergenerational patterns of emotional disconnection. It is especially helpful for parents who feel overwhelmed, guilty, or uncertain about how to connect meaningfully with their children. Additionally, clients exploring their own attachment histories or healing from childhood emotional neglect may benefit from the book’s accessible explanations of how early relational experiences shape development. It can also be a valuable psychoeducational tool in family therapy, parenting groups, or trauma-informed counseling settings.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The power of showing up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired [eBook edition]. Scribe Publications.