Attachment and the Gospel

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (2nd ed.). Harmony Books.

Book Review #3

by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

Dr. John Gottman is a renowned psychologist recognized for his innovative research and work around marriage and relationships. He is a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and has spent more than four decades studying couples and their interactions. He developed the Gottman Method based on research conducted in the “Love Lab,” where he focused on scientific predictors of marital success and failure—touting his ability to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. He co-founded The Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, to provide couples with research-based strategies for strengthening relationships.

Nan Silver is a journalist, editor, and author specializing in psychology, parenting, and relationships. She has collaborated with Gottman on numerous books, helping him translate his scientific research into practical advice for couples. As a writer, her focus is on making Gottman’s relational science more palpable for the general public.

Purpose and Audience:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is written for couples at any stage in their relationship—whether dating, engaged, newly married, or in long-term relationships—who want to build stronger, more emotionally connected relationships through the seven principles of Gottman’s research-based framework. It’s also a helpful resource for counselors, pastors, and helping professionals who work with couples. Gottman emphasizes that emotional intelligence, trust, and friendship—not just conflict resolution—are key to long-term satisfaction. The book equips couples with practical tools to deepen intimacy and prevent relational breakdown.

Identification of key themes or ideas:

The Importance of Friendship in Marriage: Gottman argues that deep friendship serves as the foundation for a happy and lasting marriage. This allows couples to know each other well, respect each other, and genuinely enjoy spending time together. This is much more than casual companionship—it involves deep emotional and intellectual intimacy that creates safety and affection. Such friendship acts as a buffer during conflict and allows couples to stay connected in difficult moments. Gottman ties this foundational friendship to his Sound Relationship House model and the concept of Positive Sentiment Override.

Managing Conflict Rather than Resolving It: Unlike traditional marital therapy models that emphasize conflict resolution, Gottman’s research suggests that most marital conflicts are actually perpetual. These recurring issues are rooted in personality differences, values, or deeper, long-standing dynamics that may never fully go away. The goal, then, is not to eliminate all conflict but to manage it well—with humor, affection, openness, and compromise.

Predictors of Divorce & The Four Horsemen: Gottman identifies five predictors for divorce, which include (a) harsh start-ups, (b) the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, (c) flooding, (d) chronic physiological symptoms of stress (often reflected in body language), and (e) failed repair attempts. Among these, the Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—serve as particularly clear warning signs of relational breakdown. Identifying and replacing these destructive patterns is essential for couples seeking to rebuild emotional safety and connection..

The Concept of Repair Attempts: Repair attempts are efforts made by a partner to de-escalate conflict and reestablish connection. In successful marriages, these attempts are frequent, timely, and effective—ranging from direct expression of vulnerability to small moments of humor, like sticking out your tongue at your spouse to break the tension in a heated discussion. Gottman emphasizes that it’s not the absence of conflict that matters most, but the couple’s ability to repair and recover when it arises.

Creating Shared Meaning: Gottman suggests that creating shared meaning is the culmination of the seven principles. It leads couples into a deeper level of connection, where they begin building a life with a shared purpose—not just managing conflict or showing affection. This includes developing rituals, values, goals, and a sense of identity as a couple. Shared meaning gives structure and direction to the relationship, helping partners walk through hard seasons with a unified vision. It’s often where things like faith, legacy, and long-term hopes begin to take shape—transforming marriage into something more than just living together. It becomes a meaningful and resilient bond.

Points of interest, points of personal agreement, and points of disagreement

Points of Interest

• Predictors of Divorce: Gottman’s identification of five key predictors—including harsh start-up, flooding, and failed repair attempts—was eye-opening. It was staggering to realize how systemic and measurable these patterns can be, especially in light of how many couples experience them without knowing what’s happening beneath the surface. Too often, couples don’t seek help until they’ve slipped into what Gottman calls the Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)—a state where even neutral or positive interactions are filtered through a negative lens (Chapter 3).
• The Four Horsemen and Flooding: The descriptions of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling resonated deeply with me. I recognized many of my own behaviors in these pages, and having the language to describe them brought clarity and conviction (Chapter 3).
• Turn Toward Each Other: What stood out to me was how turning toward each other applies not just to daily connection but especially during conflict. Rather than withdrawing or shutting down, emotionally healthy couples stay engaged—even when things are hard—which helps preserve intimacy and trust in the midst of tension (Chapter 6).
• Questionnaires and Exercises: The practical questionnaires and tools provided throughout the book were especially helpful. They offer couples an accessible starting point for building emotional safety, security, and intimacy. These include surveys related to Love Maps, Fondness and Affirmations, Harsh Start-ups, Flooding, Repair Attempts, Accepting Influence, and Shared Goals and Values (Chapters 4, 5, 7, 10, 11, 12 and Appendices).

Points of Agreement

• Enhancing Your Love Maps: I appreciated the emphasis on truly knowing your partner’s inner world—not just facts, but feelings, fears, and dreams. It affirmed my belief that intimacy grows through ongoing curiosity, emotional presence, and intentional connection over time (Chapter 4).
• Fondness and Admiration: The idea that couples can actively nurture fondness—even in difficult seasons—stood out to me. It gave hope that emotional warmth can be rebuilt over time through intentional focus and gratitude (Chapter 5).
• The Role of Emotional Flooding: Recognizing flooding in myself helped me understand why I shut down or overreact. This gave me a language and framework for growth (Chapter 3).
• Let Your Partner Influence You: I resonated with the idea that mutual respect requires flexibility. The principle of accepting influence stood out as both a humility check and a way to build emotional trust—especially for couples who struggle with power dynamics (Chapter 7).
• The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict: I found it helpful that Gottman differentiated between solvable and perpetual problems. This took pressure off the unrealistic idea that every conflict must be resolved and instead emphasized understanding and managing differences with grace (Chapter 8).

Points of Disagreement

• Dismissal of Traditional Marriage Counseling: I was genuinely troubled by how Gottman seemed to devalue traditional marriage counseling. Many people already struggle to find the courage to seek help, and his tone risked reinforcing skepticism about counseling in general. While I understand his desire to highlight his research-based method, the way he framed it came across as condescending toward other mental health professionals. Instead of building trust in his model, it felt like he was tearing others down to elevate his own—which seemed distasteful and unnecessarily divisive (Chapter 2).
• Oversimplification and Sensitivity to Trauma: These chapters aim to guide couples through creating shared meaning and navigating gridlocked conflict, but they often assume a level of emotional safety and openness that not all couples have. For those from conservative backgrounds or with histories of sexual trauma, the content could feel triggering, idealized, or inaccessible. Whether due to shame, fear, or unresolved pain, not every couple is ready to engage at this level without deeper support. The exercises, though well-intentioned, at times oversimplify complex emotional and spiritual dynamics (Chapters 11 & 12).
• Dreams Within Conflict May Require More Support: The concept of uncovering hidden dreams beneath gridlock was meaningful, but the book seemed to underestimate how emotionally vulnerable and complex this process can be—especially for couples who are not accustomed to it. Without the support of a trained counselor, some might unintentionally retraumatize or hurt one another while trying to engage in these deeper conversations (Chapter 11).
• Influence and Power Dynamics: While I value Gottman’s emphasis on mutual influence, the book doesn’t acknowledge how challenging this can be within Christian communities where traditional gender roles are the norm. In church settings that emphasize male headship or authority, power dynamics can feel fixed and difficult to question. However, helping spouses see each other as made in the image of God—and called to love as Christ loved the church—can reframe mutual influence as an act of sacred love, not competition. I would have appreciated more sensitivity to how spiritual beliefs shape relational dynamics and more guidance for applying these principles within a faith context (Chapter 7).

Significance of the book to the counseling field:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has had a significant impact on the counseling field by offering a research-based, practical framework for assessing and improving marital relationships. Gottman’s emphasis on observable behaviors, emotional attunement, and conflict management gives counselors concrete tools to use in session. His ability to predict relational outcomes through specific interaction patterns has influenced both clinical practice and premarital education. While it may not address every nuance of trauma or spiritual context, the book remains a foundational resource in relationship counseling for both therapists and clients alike.

Critique of the overall work:

Overall, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is a helpful, research-based guide for fostering connection and emotional intimacy. The seven principles are rooted in decades of careful observation and are presented in a practical, digestible format. While the language is accessible, the insights can be quite deep—especially in areas such as emotional safety, trust, and repair. The practical tools and clear explanations make complex dynamics feel approachable, which may be particularly helpful for those who have never had a healthy model of marriage. Even so, the book often assumes a level of emotional safety and openness that many couples—particularly those with histories of trauma, emotional abuse, or insecure attachment—may not have. While their suggestions can foster the creation of safety and security in a relationship, they may prove difficult to fully implement without additional support (i.e., therapeutic or pastoral). Although I appreciate Gottman’s work, I found his dismissal of traditional marriage counseling quite disconcerting. It felt as though he was “robbing Peter to pay Paul”—undermining the work of other counselors in order to elevate his own model.

Usefulness of the book for potential clients

This book would be a valuable resource for many clients—particularly couples who feel emotionally disconnected, struggle with communication, or want to strengthen their bond but aren’t sure how. It’s especially useful for those who didn’t grow up with a healthy model of marriage, as it offers practical tools, accessible language, and research-based insights. However, I’d be cautious in recommending it to clients with unresolved trauma, high-conflict relationships, insecure attachment styles, or those from emotionally restrictive backgrounds without additional therapeutic support. In those cases, the content could feel overwhelming or emotionally unsafe without guidance.